So apparantely I had blogged something really hilarious just a night ago. I did delete the post, but not without printing it. I had a good laugh.
Been visiting my brother in law for his birthday yesterday. I’m not much of a cake eater – never have been – but the cake was really good. It’s called prinsesstårta and is just vanilla sauce, jam, cream and marzipan. You can of course make it totally vegan if you want to and if you want to alter the recipe – go for it! The more the merrier. I will make a vegan, chocolate inspired for my birthday. ♡
And to share my embarassment because we all need a laugh. This is how my post turned out. Consider this your treat. 😂😂
No. I don’t remember it. I took medicine and I really thought I’d dreamt that… oh well.
Time for bed my lovely little nekos. ♡ Got to go with my mum to the doctor tomorrow. ♡
“I’m sorry. You probably feel like you’ve probably wronged me even though I never really gave you a reason. You text me, asking if I’m mad. I’m not. Not at you. Not even mad at myself. Probably just disappointed. That I let it get this far. I can feel in your messages that you’re worried – even if you don’t say much. I’m not mad at you. Disappointed, maybe. A little bit hurt.
I let it get this far and without telling you the real reason I am pushing you further and further away and I think you’re afraid I will never speak to you again. Even I am afraid that will be the end result. But I need to protect myself.
The truth is, I fell so deeply in love with you and it grew steadier and you keep giving me mixed signals and out of that reason I am pushing you away. Because I’m already hurt and I need to sort out my thoughts. I need to sort out where I go next. I need to sort out whether the feelings I have for you is worth it when you keep doing this to me.
Protecting my heart is a matter I need to take into consideration and I want you to know that whatever my choice is; I’m sorry.”
“You have such a flair for language. Why don’t you want to be an interpretor?”
“You have such a flair for writing, why don’t you write a book?”
“You’re so soothing. I feel so much at ease looking and talking with you.”
Out of all of these three, which one do you think I take to heart? All of them matter to me. I am well aware that I am a skilled linguist and a skilled writer – but these are hobbies and therefore not something I want to work with full time. Do I want to write a book? Yes, of course. I have tons of ideas. But I am also aware that being a writer is not something I can fully support of. The world is competetive. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t try – I will be a self published author; I’ve already settled for that. It’s a work in progress.
But let’s go back to the question. If you believe in a past life, what do you think you were? I thought about this tonight and I came to the conclusion that I think I was a healer of some sorts. That sounds like something taken right out of a fantasy novel – but I do believe that there’s no coincidence that I choose all my main characters to have a healing power of some sorts – after all, that’s what I think my purpose is.
If you believe in a God, which I do, or whether you just believe you have a purpose then I strongly feel that I am on this planet to heal. Emotionally. Physically. To heal the sick. To heal the wounded soul. To feel this is a wonderful feeling.
But what took me so long to realise this? What took me years to realise that I wanted to become a doctor? Do I even know?
The thought has always been there. From a young age and it was present through my entire high school years. But here I am, my late twenties and I still haven’t started my studies.
To be honest, I got sick. I got depressed. A lot of things happened during my childhood and this is common and sooner or later, for most people, it all comes crashing down on you. My depression almost took my life and in the past year I even felt like that I wasn’t going to live to my 30s. But I don’t feel that way now. It’s too soon for me to say I won’t feel that way again – I am still healing emotionally. Therapy has proven to be a good thing to me even though I was so skeptical and even though I’ve had to change therapists like five times. I feel okay. Do I still deal with depressive moments? Yes and I think that maybe I will deal with that for the rest of my life. I still deal with a lot of anxiety. But I’ve learnt that it reaches a peak and I live with that. I think that by finding my purpose I’ve started healing in more ways than one. I don’t feel as a sad anymore. I don’t feel as lost and isolated anymore. Even my anxiety is getting easier to deal with. I feel okay with this.
And I am still searching for answers, but all I know is that I believe that my purpose is to heal and I will follow that lead. If there is a higher power or something that guides me or not I know by heart that this is my purpose.
“I hate him. I despise him.” Fear. Anger. Resentment. They all bubbled up to the surface as she clenched her fists, her knuckles as white as the most perfect snowfall.
“You shouldn’t hate them, nor resent. Yes. He did you wrong and he is not the last one to do so. But people who do wrong are the ones who need love most. Always love unconditionally. Always live with the ability to forgive. To move on. Not only for them, but for yourself as well.”
Life lessons. ♡
So, last year I thought a lot about me wanting to study Japanese in Japan. While my goal is med school (and I will get there) I still want to study Japanese in Japan for six months or a year. So, I thought that I would do that from next year! I will talk to study counsellors and get in touch with the agency I want to travel with it to get all the information I need. I think I need this.
While some people are like: “Why do you learn a language you don’t have any use of?” Why not? I think I have a use of it – Japanese pop culture has been a huge part of my life just as much as Korean has been. I mean, I could go to South Korea and study too – either would work for me. I love both countries and languages equally.
So, I will look into this. ♡
Now is the perfect time for a change. After thinking a while I realised that the more I say: “No more ubhealthy food starting tomorrow” the less likely it will be that I actually do follow through.
You realise that you want a change your lifestyle? Do it now. So what if you ate pizza for breakfast and five cheeseburgers and a milkshake for lunch? Or if you drank two bottles of sods – so what? You can still squeeze in an apple or a glass of water. Sneak in healthy habits. And do it progressively. No rush. Change takes time and it takes about 21 days to break a habit and if you do feel like having a chocolate rice krispies bar for a midnight snack – go for it. You can be healthy anyway. But it’s also important to have a reason for it.
For me? My ideal weight is about 55-58 kgs. That was when I felt at best body wise. At the moment, my knees are about to give up. Yes, I am overweight and I am struggling with an eating disorder so my weight rarely goes up or down regardless of what I do. But my reason is simply that I want to be able to walk without feeling like my knees will give in. And to reduce the risk of diabetes. My reason and motivation is a better health. And I will struggle. Every day will be a battle. But I am not giving in and neither should y♡u.
I was going to write something, but writers block – again. Sigh. I’m just in a block at the moment – that’s why so many sentences are missing. I will post them in order as soon as possible. My life’s a mess right now – my apartment, my mental health (anxiety is a literal bitch) and just really stressed. 😦
[Emma took this picture] ♡