Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡ · ED Recovery ♡ · OCD ♡

What it’s like.

I am simply explaining. There is a reason I am not blogging and that is because I am busy trying to live. Please read with an open mind.
I am living with a deadly illness. I am not talking about my body, but my mind. My illness is in my head. My brain. Depression can be a silent killer and to be honest, being the thirteenth or fourteenth year of mine I know that this is not a temporary condition and that I will most likely live with this illness for the rest of my life and I don’t know it it’ll make me leave earlier or not. As it is now, everyday is a battle against my mind. If you ever struggled with depression you know this feeling very well.

But you will get better.” Temporarily, I do. I feel better. I feel happier. But that dark cloud is just collecting more water to drench me in feeling too much or feeling nothing at all.

It’s just waiting for a perfect day to come. One day where I suppose would be the mercy of the universe, where I have been happy for a few days so that I can handle it. Or what the universe may believe is me being able to cope with it.

I am writing this because I am really struggling to survive. Hearing a clock is stressing for some – me included. That tic, toc, tic, toc. Hearing time. And every second I lose because of my illness. I don’t want to feel this way at all.

Most days I don’t even feel like moving. Apathy at most. I won’t eat or talk. I will just lay down. I won’t respond to texts or phone calls. I just am, but numb. All those emotions that have built up inside of me, forming a giant black hole. Swallowing everything and I don’t know where it all goes. This creates a dangerous spiral for me since I am unable to process all things life throws at me. I won’t talk about it. I just feel and feel and feel nothing at all at the same time.

I am living with a silent killer. Because I am the only one that can feel it. It is silent to others, but to me it is very real. So far this illness has almost been the end of my life several times and I am really afraid that one day it will actually go that far.

But for now, I am focused on living. I won’t think about two days from now. Not even tomorrow. I just live for the second. Because every second I live is a miracle on its own and I should treasure it.

(Instead of telling a mentally ill person: it will get better, you can get through it, you’ll survive, cheer up, be happy, you will recover, try these: Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to stay with you? Would you like for me to call someone for you? In my experience those last three questions are more helpful than any encouragement you try to give.

Even if you have survived and lived through and recovered from a depression you need to remember that the person you are talking to isn’t you. Therefore, what may have helped you is not sure to help them. Be there for them but talk to them as an individual, don’t talk to yourself.

If you never have struggled with a mental illness then I would suggest that you study about it and try to understand and take it seriously instead of making fun of them. I am being made fun of by some of my family members which has led to me not talking about my mental health with them at all. I can’t even be open about it on facebook. If there is one thing I have learnt is to trust no one and that experience keeps growing every day.)

Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡ · OCD ♡ · Okategoriserade · Poetry ♡ · Thoughts ♡ · Work ♡

365 | Day 5

​One. Two. Three. She stopped for a while. Four. Five. “This is not controlling me. This is not…”

One. Two. Three. She stopped for a while. Four. Five.This is not controlling me. This is not…” she slammed her hand against the wall. The frustration was getting the jest of her. She was out of energy. Drained. She looked into the mirror and saw her tired face. Her eyes almost empty as she put her hands under the running water. The sound of it was almost comforting as she continued: “Six. Seven. Eight.” She tried her best to block it all out. All those intrusive, self harming thoughts that made her do it. Because, her mind said, that if she didn’t something bad would happen. And if she could wash that away from happening to anyone that could ease her very broken soul.

This was very simple, but very difficult and painful for me to write. OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder is no joking matter and millions (maybe over a billion) of people live with these intrusive thoughts everyday and for some (me included) this disorder drains your very energy and takes up a lot of time in your life and can cause major problems in actually living it. Recognise it as it is: a disorder in the mental health spectrum. Recognise it as a type of anxiety.

Do keep in mind that we don’t do this because we want to. We do it because our brain is telling us that if we don’t do it, something bad is going to happen. Read it again. Our brain is telling us we have to do it.

Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡ · OCD ♡ · Thoughts ♡

I am not ashamed to talk about it.

My anxiety has gotten a little bit lately. Which also means I have episodes of where my OCD kicks in. This mostly includes me brushing my teeth and washing my hands repeatedly and excessively. It is extremely tiresome and time consuming.

I do however try to divert my thoughts by thinking about a name or so – it doesn’t always work and by the end of my evening ritual I get so irritated that I am more like: “Whatever.” And I drop it, no matter how anxiety inducing it is.

I am and I will always be open about my mental health – break the stigma.