I was going to write something, but writers block – again. Sigh. I’m just in a block at the moment – that’s why so many sentences are missing. I will post them in order as soon as possible. My life’s a mess right now – my apartment, my mental health (anxiety is a literal bitch) and just really stressed. 😦
[Emma took this picture] ♡
One. Two. Three. She stopped for a while. Four. Five. “This is not controlling me. This is not…”
One. Two. Three. She stopped for a while. Four. Five. “This is not controlling me. This is not…” she slammed her hand against the wall. The frustration was getting the jest of her. She was out of energy. Drained. She looked into the mirror and saw her tired face. Her eyes almost empty as she put her hands under the running water. The sound of it was almost comforting as she continued: “Six. Seven. Eight.” She tried her best to block it all out. All those intrusive, self harming thoughts that made her do it. Because, her mind said, that if she didn’t something bad would happen. And if she could wash that away from happening to anyone that could ease her very broken soul.
This was very simple, but very difficult and painful for me to write. OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder is no joking matter and millions (maybe over a billion) of people live with these intrusive thoughts everyday and for some (me included) this disorder drains your very energy and takes up a lot of time in your life and can cause major problems in actually living it. Recognise it as it is: a disorder in the mental health spectrum. Recognise it as a type of anxiety.
Do keep in mind that we don’t do this because we want to. We do it because our brain is telling us that if we don’t do it, something bad is going to happen. Read it again. Our brain is telling us we have to do it.
My anxiety has gotten a little bit lately. Which also means I have episodes of where my OCD kicks in. This mostly includes me brushing my teeth and washing my hands repeatedly and excessively. It is extremely tiresome and time consuming.
I do however try to divert my thoughts by thinking about a name or so – it doesn’t always work and by the end of my evening ritual I get so irritated that I am more like: “Whatever.” And I drop it, no matter how anxiety inducing it is.
I am and I will always be open about my mental health – break the stigma.