Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡ · ED Recovery ♡ · OCD ♡

What it’s like.

I am simply explaining. There is a reason I am not blogging and that is because I am busy trying to live. Please read with an open mind.
I am living with a deadly illness. I am not talking about my body, but my mind. My illness is in my head. My brain. Depression can be a silent killer and to be honest, being the thirteenth or fourteenth year of mine I know that this is not a temporary condition and that I will most likely live with this illness for the rest of my life and I don’t know it it’ll make me leave earlier or not. As it is now, everyday is a battle against my mind. If you ever struggled with depression you know this feeling very well.

But you will get better.” Temporarily, I do. I feel better. I feel happier. But that dark cloud is just collecting more water to drench me in feeling too much or feeling nothing at all.

It’s just waiting for a perfect day to come. One day where I suppose would be the mercy of the universe, where I have been happy for a few days so that I can handle it. Or what the universe may believe is me being able to cope with it.

I am writing this because I am really struggling to survive. Hearing a clock is stressing for some – me included. That tic, toc, tic, toc. Hearing time. And every second I lose because of my illness. I don’t want to feel this way at all.

Most days I don’t even feel like moving. Apathy at most. I won’t eat or talk. I will just lay down. I won’t respond to texts or phone calls. I just am, but numb. All those emotions that have built up inside of me, forming a giant black hole. Swallowing everything and I don’t know where it all goes. This creates a dangerous spiral for me since I am unable to process all things life throws at me. I won’t talk about it. I just feel and feel and feel nothing at all at the same time.

I am living with a silent killer. Because I am the only one that can feel it. It is silent to others, but to me it is very real. So far this illness has almost been the end of my life several times and I am really afraid that one day it will actually go that far.

But for now, I am focused on living. I won’t think about two days from now. Not even tomorrow. I just live for the second. Because every second I live is a miracle on its own and I should treasure it.

(Instead of telling a mentally ill person: it will get better, you can get through it, you’ll survive, cheer up, be happy, you will recover, try these: Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to stay with you? Would you like for me to call someone for you? In my experience those last three questions are more helpful than any encouragement you try to give.

Even if you have survived and lived through and recovered from a depression you need to remember that the person you are talking to isn’t you. Therefore, what may have helped you is not sure to help them. Be there for them but talk to them as an individual, don’t talk to yourself.

If you never have struggled with a mental illness then I would suggest that you study about it and try to understand and take it seriously instead of making fun of them. I am being made fun of by some of my family members which has led to me not talking about my mental health with them at all. I can’t even be open about it on facebook. If there is one thing I have learnt is to trust no one and that experience keeps growing every day.)

Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡

When is this “peak” you speak of?

This is what my therapist tells me. My anxiety never reaches a peak, though. It’s been constant for years. That combined with my extremely stressful life situation makes it just a million times worse. I have been consideeing drinking until I black out. But I know that if I even drink one sip I won’t be able to stop. No, I don’t mean for one night. I mean for a good while. I need a total, freaking break out of life. Preferably a reset. If I drink myself to oblivion or if I skip eating for days – who knows. Maybe I’ll just watch kdramas and not talk to anyone for days (which is most likely). 

Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡

It hurts. It’s just pressuring my chest. It hurts breathing. It’s like I’m suffocating. It’s been like this for days. I don’t know what it is. All I know is that the pressure is building itself up. Like I am going to explode any minute now.”

So. This is how I feel. Something is heavy. I can barely lie down. If I do it’s like someone is stomping on my chest. I can’t breathe sometimes. Thankfully I have a meeting with my therapist on Tuesday. I need that.

Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡ · Poetry ♡ · Work ♡

Writing 365 | Day 21

​”How do I survive all of this only to get out of this vicious cycle of emotions only to come out stronger than before? How can anyone come out stronger when I feel so weak and fragile and my life is at the end of its line. How?” 

This will be a part of one of my projects. There will be a series and the pieces will of course be longer. Life is fragile. I choose to use my time helping. That is how I survive. That’s how I want to live.

Anxiety ♡ · Daily Life ♡ · Depression ♡ · Poetry ♡ · Thoughts ♡ · Work ♡

365 | Day 15

​Tidal waves,

They come and go,
As time passes even faulty flowers öike us bloom,
And as something dies something new awaits,
Just a fresh start for some of us,
While the passed are greeted at heaven’s gates


This is just my emotions put into one text. So today’s challenge is not a sentence, but time and the passing of time. What lies ahead? 

Anxiety ♡ · Cat Life ♡ · Depression ♡ · Fur Family ♡ · In Memory ♡

I am sorry, Pyret.

I am sorry Pyret,

For being selfish. For not spending as much time with you the last months of your life. I did not know better – I thought I would have you for many more years. I am sorry Pyret; for not being there when they had to let you go. Truth is: I wouldn’t have the strength. I am sorry Pyret for not getting help any sooner. Truth is, people told me to wait it out and for a moment you got better. I am sorry for setting myself first when you had always been my top priority. I am sorry, Pyret. That I let myself go when you needed me the most. I am so sorry Pyret. And most of all I am so sorry that even after three months I still haven’t gotten a chance to get your ashes home, truth is that I have a hard time getting there. I am sorry Pyret. I am so sorry.

I want to say thank you, Pyret. For all the years you gave. I want to say thank you Pyret; for all your headbonks, sandpaper kisses and purrs. For all the unconditional love you gave in that red and white fluffy fur. I want to say thank you Pyret, for being my loyal furiend. To have someone to come home to, to each days end. I want to say thank you Pyret, for giving me the reason to live. I want to say thank you Pyret; for not only never leaving my side, but also the very day that I got you, little did you know that you saved my very life. I am thankful for the short amount of time I got, I guess it was your time to leave. Maybe God called back his furry angel because it was according to his will. And most of all: I want to say thank you for being my heart and soul and even if it may take a while until the change of tides: I cannot wait until the day I will always be by your side.