This is what my therapist tells me. My anxiety never reaches a peak, though. It’s been constant for years. That combined with my extremely stressful life situation makes it just a million times worse. I have been consideeing drinking until I black out. But I know that if I even drink one sip I won’t be able to stop. No, I don’t mean for one night. I mean for a good while. I need a total, freaking break out of life. Preferably a reset. If I drink myself to oblivion or if I skip eating for days – who knows. Maybe I’ll just watch kdramas and not talk to anyone for days (which is most likely).
I was going to write something, but writers block – again. Sigh. I’m just in a block at the moment – that’s why so many sentences are missing. I will post them in order as soon as possible. My life’s a mess right now – my apartment, my mental health (anxiety is a literal bitch) and just really stressed. 😦
[Emma took this picture] ♡
“It hurts. It’s just pressuring my chest. It hurts breathing. It’s like I’m suffocating. It’s been like this for days. I don’t know what it is. All I know is that the pressure is building itself up. Like I am going to explode any minute now.”
So. This is how I feel. Something is heavy. I can barely lie down. If I do it’s like someone is stomping on my chest. I can’t breathe sometimes. Thankfully I have a meeting with my therapist on Tuesday. I need that.
”How do I survive all of this only to get out of this vicious cycle of emotions only to come out stronger than before? How can anyone come out stronger when I feel so weak and fragile and my life is at the end of its line. How?”
This will be a part of one of my projects. There will be a series and the pieces will of course be longer. Life is fragile. I choose to use my time helping. That is how I survive. That’s how I want to live.
They come and go,
As time passes even faulty flowers öike us bloom,
And as something dies something new awaits,
Just a fresh start for some of us,
While the passed are greeted at heaven’s gates
This is just my emotions put into one text. So today’s challenge is not a sentence, but time and the passing of time. What lies ahead?
I am sorry Pyret,
For being selfish. For not spending as much time with you the last months of your life. I did not know better – I thought I would have you for many more years. I am sorry Pyret; for not being there when they had to let you go. Truth is: I wouldn’t have the strength. I am sorry Pyret for not getting help any sooner. Truth is, people told me to wait it out and for a moment you got better. I am sorry for setting myself first when you had always been my top priority. I am sorry, Pyret. That I let myself go when you needed me the most. I am so sorry Pyret. And most of all I am so sorry that even after three months I still haven’t gotten a chance to get your ashes home, truth is that I have a hard time getting there. I am sorry Pyret. I am so sorry.
I want to say thank you, Pyret. For all the years you gave. I want to say thank you Pyret; for all your headbonks, sandpaper kisses and purrs. For all the unconditional love you gave in that red and white fluffy fur. I want to say thank you Pyret, for being my loyal furiend. To have someone to come home to, to each days end. I want to say thank you Pyret, for giving me the reason to live. I want to say thank you Pyret; for not only never leaving my side, but also the very day that I got you, little did you know that you saved my very life. I am thankful for the short amount of time I got, I guess it was your time to leave. Maybe God called back his furry angel because it was according to his will. And most of all: I want to say thank you for being my heart and soul and even if it may take a while until the change of tides: I cannot wait until the day I will always be by your side.
One. Two. Three. She stopped for a while. Four. Five. “This is not controlling me. This is not…”
One. Two. Three. She stopped for a while. Four. Five. “This is not controlling me. This is not…” she slammed her hand against the wall. The frustration was getting the jest of her. She was out of energy. Drained. She looked into the mirror and saw her tired face. Her eyes almost empty as she put her hands under the running water. The sound of it was almost comforting as she continued: “Six. Seven. Eight.” She tried her best to block it all out. All those intrusive, self harming thoughts that made her do it. Because, her mind said, that if she didn’t something bad would happen. And if she could wash that away from happening to anyone that could ease her very broken soul.
This was very simple, but very difficult and painful for me to write. OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder is no joking matter and millions (maybe over a billion) of people live with these intrusive thoughts everyday and for some (me included) this disorder drains your very energy and takes up a lot of time in your life and can cause major problems in actually living it. Recognise it as it is: a disorder in the mental health spectrum. Recognise it as a type of anxiety.
Do keep in mind that we don’t do this because we want to. We do it because our brain is telling us that if we don’t do it, something bad is going to happen. Read it again. Our brain is telling us we have to do it.