Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡ · ED Recovery ♡ · OCD ♡

What it’s like.

I am simply explaining. There is a reason I am not blogging and that is because I am busy trying to live. Please read with an open mind.
I am living with a deadly illness. I am not talking about my body, but my mind. My illness is in my head. My brain. Depression can be a silent killer and to be honest, being the thirteenth or fourteenth year of mine I know that this is not a temporary condition and that I will most likely live with this illness for the rest of my life and I don’t know it it’ll make me leave earlier or not. As it is now, everyday is a battle against my mind. If you ever struggled with depression you know this feeling very well.

But you will get better.” Temporarily, I do. I feel better. I feel happier. But that dark cloud is just collecting more water to drench me in feeling too much or feeling nothing at all.

It’s just waiting for a perfect day to come. One day where I suppose would be the mercy of the universe, where I have been happy for a few days so that I can handle it. Or what the universe may believe is me being able to cope with it.

I am writing this because I am really struggling to survive. Hearing a clock is stressing for some – me included. That tic, toc, tic, toc. Hearing time. And every second I lose because of my illness. I don’t want to feel this way at all.

Most days I don’t even feel like moving. Apathy at most. I won’t eat or talk. I will just lay down. I won’t respond to texts or phone calls. I just am, but numb. All those emotions that have built up inside of me, forming a giant black hole. Swallowing everything and I don’t know where it all goes. This creates a dangerous spiral for me since I am unable to process all things life throws at me. I won’t talk about it. I just feel and feel and feel nothing at all at the same time.

I am living with a silent killer. Because I am the only one that can feel it. It is silent to others, but to me it is very real. So far this illness has almost been the end of my life several times and I am really afraid that one day it will actually go that far.

But for now, I am focused on living. I won’t think about two days from now. Not even tomorrow. I just live for the second. Because every second I live is a miracle on its own and I should treasure it.

(Instead of telling a mentally ill person: it will get better, you can get through it, you’ll survive, cheer up, be happy, you will recover, try these: Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to stay with you? Would you like for me to call someone for you? In my experience those last three questions are more helpful than any encouragement you try to give.

Even if you have survived and lived through and recovered from a depression you need to remember that the person you are talking to isn’t you. Therefore, what may have helped you is not sure to help them. Be there for them but talk to them as an individual, don’t talk to yourself.

If you never have struggled with a mental illness then I would suggest that you study about it and try to understand and take it seriously instead of making fun of them. I am being made fun of by some of my family members which has led to me not talking about my mental health with them at all. I can’t even be open about it on facebook. If there is one thing I have learnt is to trust no one and that experience keeps growing every day.)