Thoughts ♡

What Drives Me Forward?

You have such a flair for language. Why don’t you want to be an interpretor?”
You have such a flair for writing, why don’t you write a book?
You’re so soothing. I feel so much at ease looking and talking with you.”

Out of all of these three, which one do you think I take to heart? All of them matter to me. I am well aware that I am a skilled linguist and a skilled writer – but these are hobbies and therefore not something I want to work with full time. Do I want to write a book? Yes, of course. I have tons of ideas. But I am also aware that being a writer is not something I can fully support of. The world is competetive. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t try – I will be a self published author; I’ve already settled for that. It’s a work in progress.

But let’s go back to the question. If you believe in a past life, what do you think you were? I thought about this tonight and I came to the conclusion that I think I was a healer of some sorts. That sounds like something taken right out of a fantasy novel – but I do believe that there’s no coincidence that I choose all my main characters to have a healing power of some sorts – after all, that’s what I think my purpose is.

If you believe in a God, which I do, or whether you just believe you have a purpose then I strongly feel that I am on this planet to heal. Emotionally. Physically. To heal the sick. To heal the wounded soul. To feel this is a wonderful feeling.

But what took me so long to realise this? What took me years to realise that I wanted to become a doctor? Do I even know?

The thought has always been there. From a young age and it was present through my entire high school years. But here I am, my late twenties and I still haven’t started my studies.

To be honest, I got sick. I got depressed. A lot of things happened during my childhood and this is common and sooner or later, for most people, it all comes crashing down on you. My depression almost took my life and in the past year I even felt like that I wasn’t going to live to my 30s. But I don’t feel that way now. It’s too soon for me to say I won’t feel that way again – I am still healing emotionally. Therapy has proven to be a good thing to me even though I was so skeptical and even though I’ve had to change therapists like five times. I feel okay. Do I still deal with depressive moments? Yes and I think that maybe I will deal with that for the rest of my life. I still deal with a lot of anxiety. But I’ve learnt that it reaches a peak and I live with that. I think that by finding my purpose I’ve started healing in more ways than one. I don’t feel as a sad anymore. I don’t feel as lost and isolated anymore. Even my anxiety is getting easier to deal with. I feel okay with this.

And I am still searching for answers, but all I know is that I believe that my purpose is to heal and I will follow that lead. If there is a higher power or something that guides me or not I know by heart that this is my purpose.



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