Anxiety ♡ · Depression ♡ · ED Recovery ♡ · OCD ♡

What it’s like.

I am simply explaining. There is a reason I am not blogging and that is because I am busy trying to live. Please read with an open mind.
I am living with a deadly illness. I am not talking about my body, but my mind. My illness is in my head. My brain. Depression can be a silent killer and to be honest, being the thirteenth or fourteenth year of mine I know that this is not a temporary condition and that I will most likely live with this illness for the rest of my life and I don’t know it it’ll make me leave earlier or not. As it is now, everyday is a battle against my mind. If you ever struggled with depression you know this feeling very well.

But you will get better.” Temporarily, I do. I feel better. I feel happier. But that dark cloud is just collecting more water to drench me in feeling too much or feeling nothing at all.

It’s just waiting for a perfect day to come. One day where I suppose would be the mercy of the universe, where I have been happy for a few days so that I can handle it. Or what the universe may believe is me being able to cope with it.

I am writing this because I am really struggling to survive. Hearing a clock is stressing for some – me included. That tic, toc, tic, toc. Hearing time. And every second I lose because of my illness. I don’t want to feel this way at all.

Most days I don’t even feel like moving. Apathy at most. I won’t eat or talk. I will just lay down. I won’t respond to texts or phone calls. I just am, but numb. All those emotions that have built up inside of me, forming a giant black hole. Swallowing everything and I don’t know where it all goes. This creates a dangerous spiral for me since I am unable to process all things life throws at me. I won’t talk about it. I just feel and feel and feel nothing at all at the same time.

I am living with a silent killer. Because I am the only one that can feel it. It is silent to others, but to me it is very real. So far this illness has almost been the end of my life several times and I am really afraid that one day it will actually go that far.

But for now, I am focused on living. I won’t think about two days from now. Not even tomorrow. I just live for the second. Because every second I live is a miracle on its own and I should treasure it.

(Instead of telling a mentally ill person: it will get better, you can get through it, you’ll survive, cheer up, be happy, you will recover, try these: Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to stay with you? Would you like for me to call someone for you? In my experience those last three questions are more helpful than any encouragement you try to give.

Even if you have survived and lived through and recovered from a depression you need to remember that the person you are talking to isn’t you. Therefore, what may have helped you is not sure to help them. Be there for them but talk to them as an individual, don’t talk to yourself.

If you never have struggled with a mental illness then I would suggest that you study about it and try to understand and take it seriously instead of making fun of them. I am being made fun of by some of my family members which has led to me not talking about my mental health with them at all. I can’t even be open about it on facebook. If there is one thing I have learnt is to trust no one and that experience keeps growing every day.)

Daily Life ♡

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Hello you all. It is me. No one. Nah, I am someone, but that is about it. So, life is treating me like shit. I have been battling really melancholic thoughts and that is all I am saying. I am still alive.

But the odds of me blogging for the coming weeks are about the same as Trump making common sense so about 0. A definite 0.

Thought I’d check in to write something. 

Take care.

Weekly ♡

Weekly Spread 🙏

Best: Spending time with my mum. We’ve been watching movies and shows. I always love spending time with my mum. She understands me 100 % but won’t ever question my random sides. 😍

Worst: It’s been too warm. I mean, Sweden is usually not hot hot, but it’s warm and it gets suffocating and humid. We need rain frequently to clear the air and we haven’t gotten any except a few drops today (thank goodness). But it wasn’t enough. Can you tell I am not that much of a summer person yet? 😂😇

Feeling: I’ve been feeling anxious. Like, 24/7. This has resulted in my OCD  being a little worse to the extent that I can’t handle it. And even if I’ve felt that last night I didn’t feel the need to do my routines I did them out of habit. So hopefully I can break the circle soon. I really need to learn how to challenge my anxietyThe problem is that the challenging part gives me anxiety and this is a vicious cycle that literally never ends.

Wish: World peace. This has been my wish since I was a kid. When my friends and I were like 8 years old we wrote down what we wanted the most in the world and I was the only one who said world peace. I guess I was a little bit of a diplomat as a child as well. Comes with being a middle child, perhaps?

In other news: my green website is coming up soon. Which means a lot of green stuff – meaning vego friendly. I want to encourage people to try out the green lifestyle – no harm in trying and by trying it out you will not only do the animals and environment a favour; but you’ll also do yourself one by feeding your body the nutrients they need. Fun fact: There is more protein in a bowl of lentils than a piece of steak. Surprise, surprise. 💪

I will also talk with a study counsellor this coming autumn to get a science based base year to prep for eventual medical studies in the future – let’s see how that goes. 🙂 I am still not sure where to start. My mind is a constant chaos. That and I need to do something all the time – I should get a fidget spinner or a fidget cube. My dad finds it annoying that I constantly shake my legs or twirls/click a pen. I can’t help it. I can’t be still, it’s not working out for me. That just makes me restless. That’s just who I am I guess. 👀

Daily Life ♡

Short Update

Still alive. Lack of updates. I feel like crap mentally most of the time so I am basically in bed 24/7 except those rare occassions I actually need groceries. Which is rare since I am rarely hungry in the summer. But I got some fruits and stuff.

Want to change my blog name. I have some ideas, but need to think more. 😊

Been watching Twilight. So basically I have seen all four movies (or five). The books are better. But the movies works fine in lack of motivation to do otger things. 

I will probably watch movies for the coming days or weeks. 

Well. Short update.

Daily Life ♡

Letter Writing & Teas

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I’ve spent the last few days writing letters since I have quiet a lot to catch up with. I don’t have a problem with it; I love writing. I just should have a habit of actually replying once I get them instead of letting them pile up like they have been doing – so I am doing that from now on. 🙂

I have gotten a lot of teas from my penpals. I am curious about all of them. Some of them I’ve never tried and some I’ve tried – so excited and curious about some of them. I love tea. 🙂

Cat Life ♡ · Daily Life ♡ · Fur Family ♡

Furry Stalker and Summer Waves

Summer is here with all its additions. Heat, rain, thunder and just the usual feeling of suffocation because summer in Sweden is torture since Sweden isn’t supposed to be this hot. But it’s getting cooler this coming week and it’s needed but I do of course welcome the heat back later. ♡

Yesterday I was struggling to get some pictures of Cosmos. He kept moving around, but eventually he went back to his original spot and I managed to get the pictures I wanted. 🙂

Daily Life ♡

It’s Earth Day 2017 🌍

Busy Bee

Happy Earth Day everyone!

Today is Earth Day (if you weren’t sure already 😉 ). The day we take more care of our amazing planet, which we should be doing every single day if you ask me! The day to take that extra effort to care for our planet, turn the lights off when you don’t need them, limit charging your phone because it doesn’t have to be constantly on 100%, or even brushing your teeth in the dark. These tiny little actions can make such a difference, if everyone took part! So let’s all just do something small (or big!) today, which literally takes no effort, but makes the difference.

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Let me know what things you are doing today to embrace the environment, and help save it- no matter how small they are! As a keen Wildlife enthusiast, I decided to make you a list of things you could…

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